Nothing makes me happy anymore. I feel like i have to force happiness, and then it isn't even true happiness, it's a front, a forced laugh, another bucket full of dirt that is making my hole seem like there is no way out.

I'm socially awkward, can't express my true thoughts/feelings unless I'm under the influence, and scared. I don't know what to do at this point of my life.

The other day I was driving with my mom and it was the happiest I had been in a long time. I was just so happy and I didn't know why. It could have been because I just ate an amazing meal at carabba's, but it was the happiest I had felt sober since before high-school. I paid for it the next morning, which happened to be Christmas. That morning I woke up so depressed I didn't even want to go upstairs to see my family, the great breakfast my mom made, or even my presents. That whole day I was so depressed I felt as if I had been cheated, I was just so happy, I thought things were start to look up again, and then I hit rock bottom, again.

For the past couple years I have been going through life indifferent. Not by choice, but because I always feel sad, so when something sad happens, I don't really react because I'm already sad. It's hard to describe but that also happens for happiness. When I should be happy, I'm normally just trying to force a laugh because that's what I should be, not because I really feel that way. So I try and do things that make me happy, but those all fade in time. I ran for a little, drew, painted, and played video games. All of which I have lost interest because they become dull and don't spark the joy that they once did.

I have been thinking about a lot of things these past couple months, and this is where I'm at now. I need to take some sort of action, probably medication to take care of this. I don't know exactly why I am even blogging about it, probably because of that whole social awkwardness thing.

This has been happening for longer than I realized. Everytime I'm happy very soon afterwards, or sometimes longer, I just get super depressed. Being the nerd I am I decide to research into neurotransmitters in the brain and how they work. To put it simply, neurotransmitters are the thing in your brain which relay, amplify, and modulate signals between a neuron and another cell. (Courtesy to Wikipedia) So the neurotransmitters for seratonin and dopamine are in control for ones happiness, because they are responsible for regulating the amount of said chemical to be released from the neuron to the cell. I'm writing this because I think that maybe one of my neurotransmitters is being a lazy bastard and I am suffering from it. I've considered medication to fix this, and have tried two different types in the past, with no success. I hate to put my faith in something material like medication, but I don't really see any other option. I can't keep forcing my happiness, it's like I'm on auto-pilot.

Trapped, Judged, Scared, and Depressed

I write little notes in the drafts of my phone, and I wrote gossip. I forgot why I wrote gossip, but apparently I was thinking about it and thought it would be good enough to blog about. I must have had some really good thoughts about it. Well, I forgot why I wrote it, the only thing I remember about writing it is that it was during my Astronomy class.

This defines how my week has been. Forgetful and misleading and bad. This week sucks, everything sucks lately, and I have been destructive to my body spiritually and physically.

I am getting back into bad habits and it's very frustrating when I lose control over things. I know how to fix it and that I should fix it, but I can't and I won't. I still don't know why, there is just something that drags me to it, pulls me into it.

I want to be saved, saved from this. I feel like I'm treading upstream, and I'm about to drown due to my pride and guilt.

Hopefully next week will be better. Either better because I no longer feel stuck, or that I no longer am stuck. I hate doing this alone, but I feel like I must. I must get through this so I can be stronger, but I don't feel strong enough to get through it.

Another thing I wrote in my drafts is if you could see noises. I was watching Heroes from NBC and a lady was deaf, but sounds made a colorful orb. She stumbled upon a Cello (I think) and she played a beautiful song just from looking at the colors she was producing.

I wish I had a special power. Not even a power, really, just something special. That made me different, that made me able to excel in some area, that made me have a passion and enjoy doing it. The only thing that does that for me is the same thing that destroys me.

My suite-mate today said he was worried about me because I don't eat, I am destroying my body, I don't sleep, and I don't do the things I love anymore.

I didn't even realize this until he told me. How can he realize these things about me that I don't even realize. Am I really that detached to reality? Is that what this is doing to me? I really don't know what to do anymore, I can't find any support, and if I did I'm not entirely sure that I would trust the person who is supporting me enough to let them all the way in.

I hate feeling trapped, judged, scared, and depressed. It really frustrates me and causes me to do unhealthy things.

Omit

Omit the silence by taking nicotine to the bloodstream. The sound of the cylindrical paper burning is enough for now. Soon it will be the sloshing of liquor in a glass. Good enough for now.

Music

Music enters my body
Attacks by vital organs
Irregularity of my heart
Relax worries in my head



That's all I got for now.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wish I could go back
Go back and forget
Go back and change

Sometimes I wish I could realize
Realize my burned bridges
Realize my circumstance.

Sometimes I wish I could change
Change my motivation
Change my actions
Change aspects of my life.

Sometimes I wish I could be content
Content with my life now
Content with my decisions
Content with my struggles.

Sometimes I wish I could have someone
Someone for sympathy, no, empathy
Someone to hold me
Someone to hold.



Sometimes I wish nothing would have changed
I'm happy where I'm at
I'm scared where I'm at
I'm struggling where I'm at
It is always a battle,
Every day,
Every flashback,
Every scent.

Insomnia

I had a really good writing to post. About life and such. I wrote it about six months ago, and now I can't find it. Once again I will be faced with insomnia until I find what I'm looking for.

*Edit*
My mom took it, I hate when she does this shit. She takes some of the things I write, and she doesn't realize that I notice this, that it ticks me off, or that I like to read what I have previously written.
Anyways, I found one thing I had written a long time ago, not the piece I was looking for, but this will do for tonight.

03/03/09 - 12:20 A.M. - "House of Cards" Radiohead

• I can't sleep, I cant weep. All I can do is lay here and hope for the best. The best for my friends and the best for my family.
• I never asked for this. This horribly difficult life. Where friends stab you in the back. Where they leave you. Where all they do is selfishly criticize. At first it's once in a blue moon. Now it seems as common as the blue sky.
• I promise this isn't what I signed up for. All of these beautiful people who suffer and die. They die physically, spiritually, and emotionally. All falling into the same traps.  I won't let them drag me with.
• All I want to do is do what I want. It's never that easy though. I always have someone "Loving" me. Telling me I am wrong. Showing me that their way is better.
• I've had enough of the hard and harder. I've drifted farther than ever before. Nothing can help except for this feeling. Am I addicted? I don't want to change the way I feel. This gives me the love I need. The love I want.
• I miss the old me. But I love the new me. I miss my old friends. But I love my new friends.
• I want to make it to the sunrise. I want to make it to the change. I need to see orange and yellow and reds. All of the beautiful colors. The colors that remind me of the good times. The times when I was free. When I wasn't in this penitentiary.
  
• The blinding light that finds me. I want to make it to that sunrise. I don't want to take this life in vain. I want to cherish it. To cherish you - I want to be close to you - close to all of you.
• I m blinded by my own ways. And by the false ways of the world. I am blinded by the dark. I want to be like a child again. I want to be naive. I want to be on the other side. 
• Don't get me wrong. I am satisfied. I am full of life.

This was written while listening to music, that might have influenced my writing. The props go to: Brendan James, Yellowcard, Radiohead, John Mayer, and Dispatch.

This is just a bunch of thoughts that were racing around circles around my brain the night of March 3, 2009. The only way to get them out was to write them down, I still have them 6 months later, and I thought it would be good for me to write them again. They seem to be reoccurring to me.