Nothing makes me happy anymore. I feel like i have to force happiness, and then it isn't even true happiness, it's a front, a forced laugh, another bucket full of dirt that is making my hole seem like there is no way out.

I'm socially awkward, can't express my true thoughts/feelings unless I'm under the influence, and scared. I don't know what to do at this point of my life.

The other day I was driving with my mom and it was the happiest I had been in a long time. I was just so happy and I didn't know why. It could have been because I just ate an amazing meal at carabba's, but it was the happiest I had felt sober since before high-school. I paid for it the next morning, which happened to be Christmas. That morning I woke up so depressed I didn't even want to go upstairs to see my family, the great breakfast my mom made, or even my presents. That whole day I was so depressed I felt as if I had been cheated, I was just so happy, I thought things were start to look up again, and then I hit rock bottom, again.

For the past couple years I have been going through life indifferent. Not by choice, but because I always feel sad, so when something sad happens, I don't really react because I'm already sad. It's hard to describe but that also happens for happiness. When I should be happy, I'm normally just trying to force a laugh because that's what I should be, not because I really feel that way. So I try and do things that make me happy, but those all fade in time. I ran for a little, drew, painted, and played video games. All of which I have lost interest because they become dull and don't spark the joy that they once did.

I have been thinking about a lot of things these past couple months, and this is where I'm at now. I need to take some sort of action, probably medication to take care of this. I don't know exactly why I am even blogging about it, probably because of that whole social awkwardness thing.

This has been happening for longer than I realized. Everytime I'm happy very soon afterwards, or sometimes longer, I just get super depressed. Being the nerd I am I decide to research into neurotransmitters in the brain and how they work. To put it simply, neurotransmitters are the thing in your brain which relay, amplify, and modulate signals between a neuron and another cell. (Courtesy to Wikipedia) So the neurotransmitters for seratonin and dopamine are in control for ones happiness, because they are responsible for regulating the amount of said chemical to be released from the neuron to the cell. I'm writing this because I think that maybe one of my neurotransmitters is being a lazy bastard and I am suffering from it. I've considered medication to fix this, and have tried two different types in the past, with no success. I hate to put my faith in something material like medication, but I don't really see any other option. I can't keep forcing my happiness, it's like I'm on auto-pilot.