Trapped, Judged, Scared, and Depressed

I write little notes in the drafts of my phone, and I wrote gossip. I forgot why I wrote gossip, but apparently I was thinking about it and thought it would be good enough to blog about. I must have had some really good thoughts about it. Well, I forgot why I wrote it, the only thing I remember about writing it is that it was during my Astronomy class.

This defines how my week has been. Forgetful and misleading and bad. This week sucks, everything sucks lately, and I have been destructive to my body spiritually and physically.

I am getting back into bad habits and it's very frustrating when I lose control over things. I know how to fix it and that I should fix it, but I can't and I won't. I still don't know why, there is just something that drags me to it, pulls me into it.

I want to be saved, saved from this. I feel like I'm treading upstream, and I'm about to drown due to my pride and guilt.

Hopefully next week will be better. Either better because I no longer feel stuck, or that I no longer am stuck. I hate doing this alone, but I feel like I must. I must get through this so I can be stronger, but I don't feel strong enough to get through it.

Another thing I wrote in my drafts is if you could see noises. I was watching Heroes from NBC and a lady was deaf, but sounds made a colorful orb. She stumbled upon a Cello (I think) and she played a beautiful song just from looking at the colors she was producing.

I wish I had a special power. Not even a power, really, just something special. That made me different, that made me able to excel in some area, that made me have a passion and enjoy doing it. The only thing that does that for me is the same thing that destroys me.

My suite-mate today said he was worried about me because I don't eat, I am destroying my body, I don't sleep, and I don't do the things I love anymore.

I didn't even realize this until he told me. How can he realize these things about me that I don't even realize. Am I really that detached to reality? Is that what this is doing to me? I really don't know what to do anymore, I can't find any support, and if I did I'm not entirely sure that I would trust the person who is supporting me enough to let them all the way in.

I hate feeling trapped, judged, scared, and depressed. It really frustrates me and causes me to do unhealthy things.

Omit

Omit the silence by taking nicotine to the bloodstream. The sound of the cylindrical paper burning is enough for now. Soon it will be the sloshing of liquor in a glass. Good enough for now.